Find Me--Chapter 11 ~Marcus~

     We told Olivia and Skye to meet us outside by Scarlet’s grave. They’re probably hiding somewhere now. Dillon and I decide to tell at least one person what we’re doing, despite the fact that we haven’t known anyone very long. I don’t fully trust anyone yet, and they could rat us out at any moment. Chase though, seems to genuinely care for my sister, so we decide he’s our best bet.

     “Chase,” I say as he walks into the room.

     “Yeah?” he asks.

     “We’re running away,” I say, keeping my voice low. He doesn’t seem surprised. “Me and my sister, Dillon, and Skye. You’re the only one we’re telling, but if we’re not back tomorrow, then you can tell the others, as long as you or any of them won’t—”

     “None of us will turn you guys in,” he reassures me. “But I won’t tell them until tomorrow.”

     “Thanks,” I say, relieved.

     “Good luck,” he tells me and Dillon as we approach the door. We smile back at him, close the door behind us, and then break into a sprint. It’s not curfew yet, so there aren’t guards in every hallway. We don’t have long though.

     We run down a flight of stairs, then the few remaining yards, and burst out the door. The stars are out, and for a moment I take in the beautiful night sky, but it doesn’t take long for me to snap back to reality. Skye and Olivia suddenly appear, almost out of nowhere.

     “There you guys are,” I say. “So now what?”

     “Well, there’s a fence surrounding the entire field, we could climb it and then figure out where to go from there,” Olivia offers. We all nod in agreement and take off running as fast as we’re able.

     I’ve never been out here, only Olivia has out of us four. The field is huge. We’ve run up rows and rows of crops before we start wearing out, and the fence still isn’t in sight yet.

     “Can…we…slow…down?” Skye pants. I can see it in her face that she doesn’t want to, but has been fighting the pain in her leg for too long. None of us argue. I’m getting tired myself and Olivia and Dillon probably are too. We walk for a bit, then Skye stops suddenly.

     “Are you all right?” Dillon asks her.

     “Shh…listen,” she whispers. I don’t hear anything at first, but then I hear the distant voices and footsteps of two people. From their conversation, I assume they’re people who work here. We exchange uneasy looks and start running again, trying to be as quiet as possible. I didn’t expect them to leave the field unguarded, but I hoped somehow they would.

     The wire fence finally comes into view, and I think it gives us all a little more strength to run faster. As we get closer though, I realize how vast it is, how intimidating it is looming far above my head. Despite that, I reach out and slap my hands on the fence almost eagerly, ready to climb and escape. Suddenly I feel like dozens of knives are stabbing my fingers and palm. I grunt and pull my hands back.

     “Wait!” I warn the others. “It’s electric. Shocks you when you touch it.”

     “What do we do?” Skye asks.

     “What other choice do we have?” Dillon answers. Skye and Olivia go first, and both let out a little shriek after being shocked by the fence. They’ve barely climbed at all when we hear hurried footsteps getting closer and closer.

     “Hey!” a man shouts as us. A woman shines a flashlight at us. “What do you think you’re doing?” He asks us this, but I know he knows the answer. Four more guards appear. One snatches both of my hands and grips them tightly behind my back and the other guards do the same to Dillon, Olivia and Skye. I struggle, but he’s too strong for me to break free.

     We’re led back to the main building, to the headmistress’s office, the guard with the flashlight informs us. I glance over at Olivia, who gives me a worried look. At this point, I’m more worried about what’ll happen to her than what’ll happen to me.

     For some reason, I thought getting caught would be different. I had the impression that guards would just execute you right there and then. I am glad that that didn’t happen, but now, we’re forced to wait for our impending punishment. Our fate will be decided by one single woman; whether she decides death, or possibly something worse is a mystery.

  

♥Skittlez 

(I wrote this on a whim. I felt like writing, and felt like a failure for not having written a chapter the entire break. It's not the best, I admit, but I hope you enjoy.)

Self-Acceptance && Confidence

I love New Year's. It's like a new beginning. You have those last few moments to remember all that's happened--all the good times, bad times, times where you learned something. Then,when the clock strikes midnight, you carry with you all of the lovely memories, and all the bad times can be let go. You're more than, you're better than the mistakes you've made.

This year, I've decided to make resolutions, but this year, I'm focusing on one, somewhat general thing, instead of a bunch of things like "get more sleep", "get good grades", etc. (not that I don't want more sleep and good grades). By the name of this post, you've probably guessed, that thing is self-acceptance, and I feel like confidence goes hand in hand with that (in some ways).

Self-acceptance and confidence are both things that I've struggled with for a while, and I think everyone struggles with this to some extent. I could be wrong, but I think most people, specifically teens (such as myself), are insecure and unhappy with their appearance and doubt whether or not they're good enough. Part of the problem is society, making this image that people have to be "size 0" and can only be beautiful with pounds of makeup caked on their face. But, part of the issue is also within ourselves; letting that image get to us and letting us think negatively about ourselves. Another thing I've realized is that accepting yourself can't solely come from compliments from other people. Sure, everyone likes people telling you they like your eyes or hair or that you're a nice person, but self-acceptance can only come from you loving yourself (as cocky as that may sound).

This year I have decided that I didn't want to be a burden of low self-esteem anymore. I have always desired to be content with who I am and have confidence in myself. I want to think that I'm beautiful, worth something, perfect just the way I am. It seems so simple, yet so complicated. This is something I really want to work on instead of just ranting to people that I'm fat and ugly and stupid.

Now that it's a new year, I'm taking action. And hopefully someday, I won't weigh myself before and after every meal. I won't wrap my fingers around the bottom of my thigh to make sure they still touch. I won't think I'll fail every test that I take. I won't look at myself in the mirror and wish for a prettier face. I won't feel worthless. I won't cry. I'll be okay with who I am. It may take one year, it may take more, but accepting myself for who I am, is worth it to me. After all, this is who I'll be for my whole live; might as well make the best of it.

We have to realize things like, just because we aren't the best at something, doesn't mean we aren't good and won't get better. Just because there are skinnier people, doesn't mean we're fat. Just because we aren't the spitting image of a Victoria Secret model, doesn't mean we aren't beautiful. We can't spend our lives comparing ourselves to other people who we perceive as "better".

Have some respect for yourself. You are beautiful, you serve a purpose in this world, you're who you are for a reason. It's going to take a lot more than one girl in front of her computer screen to change your outlook though; the change has to come within you.

"To say "I love you" one must know first how to say the 'I'." --Ayn Rand
"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are." --Marilyn Monroe
"...for once, you believed in yourself. you believed you were beautiful and so did the rest of the world." --Sarah Dessen
"We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves" --Dalai Lama XIV
"You're always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company." --Diane Von Furstenberg

I wish everyone the best of luck this year, whether you're battling these issues, or anything else.

♥Skittlez

(Okay so, whether this was obvious or not, everything in this post is my opinion, and I am aware that there are people out there with depression and other illnesses that have it way worse. We can agree to disagree about some of the things I said in this post, I'm fine with that, but no non-constructive criticism, please and thank you. There's so much more I could've said here, but I think I'll leave it at this. Oh and sorry this came out way more unorganized than I hoped. It's like 1 AM here, but I didn't wanna wait until morning because I'd forget everything. Just thought this all had to be said...Happy New Year!!)

Happy Holidays!!!

Hey there everyone!! It's Skittlez here to wish you a

I hope you guys have an amazing holiday this year no matter what you celebrate!!

Best wishes,
♥Skittlez

Just a Quick Hello

I know, it's been a month...a month of nothingness, as usual. And I'm sorry to say I'm not back here with another chapter or anything like that, just to say that my last day of school before winter break is Friday, and I'm planning on writing. A lot.

But until then, I have final exams tomorrow through Friday, so I must get cramming (even though they told us not to).

If you have finals also, I wish you good luck!!

Until next time,
♥Skittlez

Happy Thanksgiving!!! && Some Other Stuffs

First and foremost, I want to wish all of you a...

This is gonna sound extremely sappy, but I'm so thankful for you viewers out there taking the time to visit my blog. Couldn't do it without you!! I hope you guys have an amazing Thanksgiving!! (of course, if you don't celebrate Thanksgiving, as it is an American holiday and I know many of you live in "not America", have a good day!!)

Now for the boring update stuff that I'm trying to squeeze in here so I don't have to make another post titled "Update".

It's Thanksgiving break, so I get five days off from school!! :D I'm trying to get back into writing, at least for a bit. Hoping to get another chapter done, and work on some other stuff as well. I'm not making any promises, since I don't want to be the one to break them, but my goal is to put out some more stuff for you lovely people to read.

Oh, and I have no idea as to where ANTIDYSTOPIA stands...so, don't get your hopes up...

Bye for now,
♥Skittlez

Find Me--Chapter 10 ~Skye~

There’s a knock on the door early the next morning. I sit on my bed hugging my knees as Dillon opens the door. It’s Marcus. If he’s surprised to see Dillon, it doesn’t show, but I notice a change in his expression. I get up and walk toward the door, the wound throbbing under the bandage wrapped around my ankle as I do.

            “Hi,” I say, plainly. Marcus flashes a faint smile, but he looks drained; he was probably awake all night, making sure Olivia was doing okay.

            “What is it?” Dillon asks him. “Is something wrong?”

            “It’s Scarlet,” he answers. “She…” he trails off, begins to bite his lip, and his eyes fall to the floor. “She died last night,” he murmurs. I clasp my hand over my mouth and a cold, empty feeling rushes through me. Tears dribble down my face. The only thought that I could muster up is that this was all our fault.

            “They’re having a small service for her,” Marcus adds after a while. Dillon I both nod, and step out of the room, shutting the door behind us. I try to hide the pain that comes with simply walking, but it’s hard to ignore. It must show on my face since the two of them are at my side supporting me.   

            Marcus leads us to a door that I had never noticed before, and out to a large, thick trunked oak tree and everyone standing in its shade. I feel weak at the sight of the white sheet covering Scarlet’s body that’s lying on the grass. Olivia, whose condition has improved greatly, comes over to us, face damp with tears. Chase, Isaac, and Seth set down their shovels and gently lift Scarlet into the ditch they had just dug. Tears are shed all around. They then pile the dirt back on top of the sheet and pat it down. Violet unearths a bit of the dirt, and plants some scarlet colored flowers. Where she got them, I have no idea.

            Everyone’s silent, but all of the unspoken words of sympathy and remembrance hang in the air.

            “Scarlet was one of my best friends here,” Rae chokes out between bursts of tears.

            “She was a friend to everyone,” Seth continues.

            “She was great person to be around, even just for the short time that I’d known her,” Olivia chimes in, drying her tears.

            “She had a way of staying positive, even in bad situations,” Chase adds. I feel as if I should say something too, since Scarlet really was a nice person, but the only thing I can think to say at the moment is that I’m sorry I contributed to your death.

            Hugs are given to Violet before we go back inside. She stays behind while the rest of us somberly make our way to the dining hall. During breakfast, Headmistress Baumann comes in with an entourage of officials.

            “Attention!” she booms. Her voice projects throughout the silent room. “Due to yesterday’s events, you have the day off.” You’d expect cheers to erupt, but instead, people turn and murmur to each other. “Something else will be arranged, but in the meantime, you are instructed to stay inside, either in here, the common rooms, or your own rooms.” With that, she leaves. I’m surprised that she’s actually just letting us do whatever we want for the day, but I’m grateful for the free time.

            We settle down in one of the common rooms. No one knows what to say; we’re all still distraught over the attack yesterday and Scarlet’s death. After a while, I get up and decide to go see Violet. I’m pretty sure everyone notices me leaving, but no one makes any sort of remark. I struggle down the vacant hallways and out the door, disregarding the fact that we’re supposed to stay inside.

I approach Violet sitting by Scarlet’s grave.

            “Hey,” I say, sitting down next to her.

            “Hi,” she responds distantly. We sit there in silence for a minute.

            “I’m sorry,” I tell her. It’s a horrible thing to say. Those words don’t have any affect at all. Saying that you’re sorry just can’t describe the feeling you get when you lose someone you love.

            “Thanks,” she says. I can tell that she’s just trying to be nice and that she’s thinking the same thing I am. Another moment of silence passes.

            “I know what it feels like; to lose someone you love.” She doesn’t respond, and I don’t blame her. I just don’t know the right things to say to console someone, which I find pretty ridiculous considering I spent most of my time with Dillon, Marcus, and Olivia who are in the same position as I am.

            Then it hits me how selfish I am. I cry over my parents and all that’s happening while Dillon comforts me when he probably feels the same pain I feel.

            “How do you handle it?” I ask her. She looks at me in confusion. “I mean, it’s been so long since my parents died, and I’m still shaken up about it. I wish I were stronger…like you.” She gives me a faint smile.

            “Well, you’re under different circumstances,” she points out, “and I’m usually not one to show my emotions, but strength isn’t simply the ability to keep your composure. Strength, to me, is encountering something that tries to knock you down, but you manage to stay standing; even if you stumble along the way.” I sit there and take in her words. Violet was right.

            After ten minutes or so, I get up.

            “It’s getting late; we should probably go back inside.”

            “You go ahead,” she says, “I’m gonna stay out here.”

            “Okay.” I stand by the door, but before going in I add, “Thanks.”

            “No problem,” she replies, giving me a weak smile.

            I still have time before curfew, so I go back to the common room to find Dillon.

            “Hey,” he remarks. “Where were you?”

            “I’m sorry,” I blurt out. He takes me in his arms.

            “For what?”

            “I’m selfish and I haven’t even considered how you or Marcus or Olivia are taking everything I just break down and cry and then you come to calm me down and I forget how you’re going through the same thing and—”

            “Oh Skye,” he says, holding me tighter and stroking my hair. I let tears escape; knowing that this was a bad time to start crying, but something in me couldn’t help it.

            “I’m sorry,” I whisper again, voice shaking.

            “You have nothing to be sorry about,” he says, stroking my hair. “I know you’d do the same for me.” It had never crossed my mind before, but I realize that I would do the same.

            If Dillon were the one feeling dejected all the time, I would try to comfort him. If he were the one who was so unreachable, I would try to get through to him. If he were the one who didn’t have the heart to love someone because of everything else that had to be dealt with, I would love him despite that. 

 (Author's note: I'm not particularly happy with how this chapter turned out. Probably has something to do with the fact that i started this over the summer and am just finishing it now)

♥Skittlez

Whoops

Heh heh... yeah, we missed September. Apologies. :)

To make up for it, have this picture of an adorable pokemon.

Note: Check out my blog, Random Thoughts! :D (Keep your expectations low.)