Letting Go

I never thought I'd say this...

Actually, I totally thought I'd say this, except I thought it'd be a very long time ago.

Anyways, I don't think I will continue Find Me.

There, I said it.

Here is basically what I thought:

• You can't give up now
• It's not really giving up though...just moving on
• You have to finish what you started
• But I've lost interest
• You've held on for so long
• Maybe it's been too long...maybe at some point you have to learn when to let go

^^That last bullet point, ironically, is one of the themes of the story.

So yeah, I think I'll end the whole saga, right in the middle, I'm afraid. I really did lose interest though, and I haven't been fully on board for a while. Chapters have been coming out slowly and at a way worse quality than I'd like, and it's not just because of school. Yes, I would've loved to have finished it, but I started it over a year ago (I think...) and I think it's time to let go and move on to better things.

It's starting to get really cheesy, I know.

Long story short, my skill from when I started Hold On has improved greatly (or at least I'd like to think so) and the whole plot of the story just wasn't thought out at all, and it's time for me to end that chapter of my writing career (for lack of better term).  

I'm really sorry for those who wanted to know what happens. I might post my brainstorming stuffs that I typed when I got an idea and possibly might also post what I planned to happen.

might probably.

Don't worry, I'll definitely still be writing. I've accumulated three or four ideas for stories (while writing Find Me, I might add, which made me want to end it even more...) and I'll decide at some point which one to expand on. That probably won't be for a few more months though. Meanwhile, I will finish school and finals and all that.

I'm sorry, again, but I think this is for the best.

Until next time,
♥Skittlez

Find Me--Chapter 11 ~Marcus~

     We told Olivia and Skye to meet us outside by Scarlet’s grave. They’re probably hiding somewhere now. Dillon and I decide to tell at least one person what we’re doing, despite the fact that we haven’t known anyone very long. I don’t fully trust anyone yet, and they could rat us out at any moment. Chase though, seems to genuinely care for my sister, so we decide he’s our best bet.

     “Chase,” I say as he walks into the room.

     “Yeah?” he asks.

     “We’re running away,” I say, keeping my voice low. He doesn’t seem surprised. “Me and my sister, Dillon, and Skye. You’re the only one we’re telling, but if we’re not back tomorrow, then you can tell the others, as long as you or any of them won’t—”

     “None of us will turn you guys in,” he reassures me. “But I won’t tell them until tomorrow.”

     “Thanks,” I say, relieved.

     “Good luck,” he tells me and Dillon as we approach the door. We smile back at him, close the door behind us, and then break into a sprint. It’s not curfew yet, so there aren’t guards in every hallway. We don’t have long though.

     We run down a flight of stairs, then the few remaining yards, and burst out the door. The stars are out, and for a moment I take in the beautiful night sky, but it doesn’t take long for me to snap back to reality. Skye and Olivia suddenly appear, almost out of nowhere.

     “There you guys are,” I say. “So now what?”

     “Well, there’s a fence surrounding the entire field, we could climb it and then figure out where to go from there,” Olivia offers. We all nod in agreement and take off running as fast as we’re able.

     I’ve never been out here, only Olivia has out of us four. The field is huge. We’ve run up rows and rows of crops before we start wearing out, and the fence still isn’t in sight yet.

     “Can…we…slow…down?” Skye pants. I can see it in her face that she doesn’t want to, but has been fighting the pain in her leg for too long. None of us argue. I’m getting tired myself and Olivia and Dillon probably are too. We walk for a bit, then Skye stops suddenly.

     “Are you all right?” Dillon asks her.

     “Shh…listen,” she whispers. I don’t hear anything at first, but then I hear the distant voices and footsteps of two people. From their conversation, I assume they’re people who work here. We exchange uneasy looks and start running again, trying to be as quiet as possible. I didn’t expect them to leave the field unguarded, but I hoped somehow they would.

     The wire fence finally comes into view, and I think it gives us all a little more strength to run faster. As we get closer though, I realize how vast it is, how intimidating it is looming far above my head. Despite that, I reach out and slap my hands on the fence almost eagerly, ready to climb and escape. Suddenly I feel like dozens of knives are stabbing my fingers and palm. I grunt and pull my hands back.

     “Wait!” I warn the others. “It’s electric. Shocks you when you touch it.”

     “What do we do?” Skye asks.

     “What other choice do we have?” Dillon answers. Skye and Olivia go first, and both let out a little shriek after being shocked by the fence. They’ve barely climbed at all when we hear hurried footsteps getting closer and closer.

     “Hey!” a man shouts as us. A woman shines a flashlight at us. “What do you think you’re doing?” He asks us this, but I know he knows the answer. Four more guards appear. One snatches both of my hands and grips them tightly behind my back and the other guards do the same to Dillon, Olivia and Skye. I struggle, but he’s too strong for me to break free.

     We’re led back to the main building, to the headmistress’s office, the guard with the flashlight informs us. I glance over at Olivia, who gives me a worried look. At this point, I’m more worried about what’ll happen to her than what’ll happen to me.

     For some reason, I thought getting caught would be different. I had the impression that guards would just execute you right there and then. I am glad that that didn’t happen, but now, we’re forced to wait for our impending punishment. Our fate will be decided by one single woman; whether she decides death, or possibly something worse is a mystery.

  

♥Skittlez 

(I wrote this on a whim. I felt like writing, and felt like a failure for not having written a chapter the entire break. It's not the best, I admit, but I hope you enjoy.)

Find Me--Chapter 10 ~Skye~

There’s a knock on the door early the next morning. I sit on my bed hugging my knees as Dillon opens the door. It’s Marcus. If he’s surprised to see Dillon, it doesn’t show, but I notice a change in his expression. I get up and walk toward the door, the wound throbbing under the bandage wrapped around my ankle as I do.

            “Hi,” I say, plainly. Marcus flashes a faint smile, but he looks drained; he was probably awake all night, making sure Olivia was doing okay.

            “What is it?” Dillon asks him. “Is something wrong?”

            “It’s Scarlet,” he answers. “She…” he trails off, begins to bite his lip, and his eyes fall to the floor. “She died last night,” he murmurs. I clasp my hand over my mouth and a cold, empty feeling rushes through me. Tears dribble down my face. The only thought that I could muster up is that this was all our fault.

            “They’re having a small service for her,” Marcus adds after a while. Dillon I both nod, and step out of the room, shutting the door behind us. I try to hide the pain that comes with simply walking, but it’s hard to ignore. It must show on my face since the two of them are at my side supporting me.   

            Marcus leads us to a door that I had never noticed before, and out to a large, thick trunked oak tree and everyone standing in its shade. I feel weak at the sight of the white sheet covering Scarlet’s body that’s lying on the grass. Olivia, whose condition has improved greatly, comes over to us, face damp with tears. Chase, Isaac, and Seth set down their shovels and gently lift Scarlet into the ditch they had just dug. Tears are shed all around. They then pile the dirt back on top of the sheet and pat it down. Violet unearths a bit of the dirt, and plants some scarlet colored flowers. Where she got them, I have no idea.

            Everyone’s silent, but all of the unspoken words of sympathy and remembrance hang in the air.

            “Scarlet was one of my best friends here,” Rae chokes out between bursts of tears.

            “She was a friend to everyone,” Seth continues.

            “She was great person to be around, even just for the short time that I’d known her,” Olivia chimes in, drying her tears.

            “She had a way of staying positive, even in bad situations,” Chase adds. I feel as if I should say something too, since Scarlet really was a nice person, but the only thing I can think to say at the moment is that I’m sorry I contributed to your death.

            Hugs are given to Violet before we go back inside. She stays behind while the rest of us somberly make our way to the dining hall. During breakfast, Headmistress Baumann comes in with an entourage of officials.

            “Attention!” she booms. Her voice projects throughout the silent room. “Due to yesterday’s events, you have the day off.” You’d expect cheers to erupt, but instead, people turn and murmur to each other. “Something else will be arranged, but in the meantime, you are instructed to stay inside, either in here, the common rooms, or your own rooms.” With that, she leaves. I’m surprised that she’s actually just letting us do whatever we want for the day, but I’m grateful for the free time.

            We settle down in one of the common rooms. No one knows what to say; we’re all still distraught over the attack yesterday and Scarlet’s death. After a while, I get up and decide to go see Violet. I’m pretty sure everyone notices me leaving, but no one makes any sort of remark. I struggle down the vacant hallways and out the door, disregarding the fact that we’re supposed to stay inside.

I approach Violet sitting by Scarlet’s grave.

            “Hey,” I say, sitting down next to her.

            “Hi,” she responds distantly. We sit there in silence for a minute.

            “I’m sorry,” I tell her. It’s a horrible thing to say. Those words don’t have any affect at all. Saying that you’re sorry just can’t describe the feeling you get when you lose someone you love.

            “Thanks,” she says. I can tell that she’s just trying to be nice and that she’s thinking the same thing I am. Another moment of silence passes.

            “I know what it feels like; to lose someone you love.” She doesn’t respond, and I don’t blame her. I just don’t know the right things to say to console someone, which I find pretty ridiculous considering I spent most of my time with Dillon, Marcus, and Olivia who are in the same position as I am.

            Then it hits me how selfish I am. I cry over my parents and all that’s happening while Dillon comforts me when he probably feels the same pain I feel.

            “How do you handle it?” I ask her. She looks at me in confusion. “I mean, it’s been so long since my parents died, and I’m still shaken up about it. I wish I were stronger…like you.” She gives me a faint smile.

            “Well, you’re under different circumstances,” she points out, “and I’m usually not one to show my emotions, but strength isn’t simply the ability to keep your composure. Strength, to me, is encountering something that tries to knock you down, but you manage to stay standing; even if you stumble along the way.” I sit there and take in her words. Violet was right.

            After ten minutes or so, I get up.

            “It’s getting late; we should probably go back inside.”

            “You go ahead,” she says, “I’m gonna stay out here.”

            “Okay.” I stand by the door, but before going in I add, “Thanks.”

            “No problem,” she replies, giving me a weak smile.

            I still have time before curfew, so I go back to the common room to find Dillon.

            “Hey,” he remarks. “Where were you?”

            “I’m sorry,” I blurt out. He takes me in his arms.

            “For what?”

            “I’m selfish and I haven’t even considered how you or Marcus or Olivia are taking everything I just break down and cry and then you come to calm me down and I forget how you’re going through the same thing and—”

            “Oh Skye,” he says, holding me tighter and stroking my hair. I let tears escape; knowing that this was a bad time to start crying, but something in me couldn’t help it.

            “I’m sorry,” I whisper again, voice shaking.

            “You have nothing to be sorry about,” he says, stroking my hair. “I know you’d do the same for me.” It had never crossed my mind before, but I realize that I would do the same.

            If Dillon were the one feeling dejected all the time, I would try to comfort him. If he were the one who was so unreachable, I would try to get through to him. If he were the one who didn’t have the heart to love someone because of everything else that had to be dealt with, I would love him despite that. 

 (Author's note: I'm not particularly happy with how this chapter turned out. Probably has something to do with the fact that i started this over the summer and am just finishing it now)

♥Skittlez

Find Me--Chapter 9 ~Dillon~

             The dining hall is much emptier than usual. Those who aren’t here are in the infirmary—or what’s left of it. Olivia was there, getting her burns treated, and Scarlet was there too, still unconscious. Marcus went with his sister, as did Violet, and Rae followed her. That left the seven of us, eating in silence.

            Skye had been pushing her porridge around for a while before saying, “Here. I’m not hungry,” and sliding her bowl toward me. I look over to her, worried. She hadn’t eaten since dinner last night and even though our portions had been cut in half due to the food supply and crops being destroyed and I was hungry, I slide the bowl back toward her.

            “Skye, you have to eat,” I tell her. I could tell that she’d grown skinnier just in the time that we’ve been here. She shakes her head and gets up from the table.

            “I’m gonna go visit Olivia and Scarlet.” Before leaving though, she turns and picks up the bowl of porridge. I get up and follow her.  

            The two of us make our way to the infirmary without conversation, Skye leaning on me for support. We stop once to ask a nurse which rooms Olivia and Scarlet were in, and she informed us that they were both the same room and led us there. It was normally quiet here, but it was in a state of chaos tonight. Nurses in light blue-green scrubs were running from room to room, some pushing people on gurneys, others carrying medicine. We stop as a patient is wheeled by. My mouth gapes open and I put my arm around Skye and she lets a tear escape. Almost every inch of his skin is charred and black, and there’s dried blood on top of that. His chest heaves up and down as he gasps for air. A pang of guilt hits me as if a bullet had been shot straight at my head. It’s not like it was our fire that burned him, but it was our presence that led to the fire.

            We thank the nurse and slide open the door to the room. Olivia sat in one bed, looking relatively fine except for a few patches of burned skin and a splint on her left wrist. Scarlet looked fine too; she was lying in bed peacefully, as if she were sleeping. But the solemn look on everyone’s face told me otherwise.

            “Is she o—” I start to ask.

            “She’s in a coma,” Violet cuts me off. She didn’t say it harshly, but she said it in a way that told me she didn’t want to deal with the question. Guilt rushes over me again. We leave her and Rae and sit with Marcus and Olivia.

            “How are you doing?” I ask Olivia.

            “Better, but not great,” she replies. We’re silent then. After a while, Skye sets the bowl of porridge on the table next to the bed Olivia was in.

            “One of you can have this,” she says quietly. Neither Marcus nor Olivia makes a move for the porridge; they probably have as much of an appetite as Skye did.

            “We’re leaving,” I blurt out then, “tomorrow night.” I didn’t leave much room for argument, but no one will disagree anyway. “We’ll meet at your room, Skye and Olivia, around curfew, then, I guess we’ll just make a run for it. Toward the forest I suppose.” Everyone else nods. We all knew that there was no doubt that this would be easier said than done. But staying here would be an even bigger risk; at least leaving put no one else in jeopardy besides ourselves.

            The other five came in later, telling us that it was almost curfew. Rae hugged her brothers goodnight, then resumed her spot by Scarlet’s bedside next to Violet. Skye and I get up and say goodbye to Olivia, Marcus, Violet, and Rae and tell Scarlet that we hope she gets better, despite her unconsciousness.

            I walk Skye to her room and open the door for her, but she hesitates before going inside.

            “I don’t want to be alone,” she says quietly. I remembered that she shared a room with Scarlet, Violet and Olivia, all of whom were spending the night in the infirmary. I take her words as an invitation and wrap my arm around her and lead her inside. We push her and Olivia’s bed together. Skye lies down and I lie down facing her. “Where are we supposed to go?” she asks me, voice low. She pauses, waiting for my response, but I don’t have one, so she continues as if I had spoken. “What if we get caught? What if we get lost?” She sounds more panicked as she presses on; as she explores all of the possible things that could happen. “What if—” she stops suddenly. “What if we don’t make it?” She dropped back down to that hushed tone that was so soft and frail and possessed so much fear.

            “Shh,” I whisper as I stroke the side of her face with my hand. She sighs. “You’ll be fine.” I would make sure of it. After giving me a despondent look, she rolls onto her other side, her back facing toward me. I drape my arm around her and soon after I do, she laces her fingers with mine. Neither one of us says anything after that; I just listen to her breathing as it steadies and she drifts off to sleep.

            I close my eyes too, and attempt to clear my mind of everything. All of the pain, loss, doubt, fear, and try to not to focus on anything except for the current moment in which Skye and I were alone. Together.

Find Me--Chapter 8 ~Marcus~

All of the eighteen year-olds came pouring into the room we were in after the first explosion. Dillon, Chase, and Violet quickly found us and ran over. Seth, Rae and Isaac came over too.

“What’s going on?” Dillon shouts.

“Someone’s attacking the building,” an official answers, trying to stay calm. “We have to get out of here!” He instructs us to follow him up the stairs and out of the east exit. Everyone starts sprinting up the stairs, but Skye stays put.

“Skye?” I ask. She has a distant look in her eyes and a stricken look on her face. She doesn’t answer me, but snaps out of whatever trance she was in and follows everyone else up the stairs.

The official thrusts open the door only to find that nothing but flame lies behind it. He curses under his breath and tells us to follow him to a different exit. He instructs Dillon to shut the door and runs off to find another while everyone follows. Before Dillon closes the door, I see a sweep of auburn hair amongst the bright orange flame. It can’t be, I think to myself, but whether it really was Olivia or not, someone was out there, probably needing help.

I dash out the door and immediately feel like I’m being roasted alive.

“Marcus!” I hear Skye shriek behind me. I look back, and see her running toward me. The door seemed miles away. “What are you thinking?” she shouts at me. I don’t answer right away, I just keep running. As I come to her body, I figure out that it was in fact Olivia, and she didn’t look good. Her skin was badly burned, the ends of her hair were singed, and I she was in some unnatural position on the ground.

“I was thinking that Olivia needed my help,” I respond, not meaning to sound sarcastic. She doesn’t make a sound as I scoop her up, and I try to reassure myself that she was still alive. “Don’t worry Olivia, you’ll be fine,” I whisper to her.

“Do you need me to help?” Skye asks between the crackle of the fire. Beads of sweat were gliding down my face and I could feel my skin starting to burn.

“Just watch my back,” I say. We begin to race back to the door; Olivia limp in my arms, and Skye trailing behind. It can’t be more than five yards away, but the flame surrounding us makes it seem a lot farther.

Skye screams behind me, I look back and see her face down on the ground. A bullet had grazed her lower leg. They were close, we had to get back inside, but then find another way out. I see Dillon rush out the door and pick up Skye and follow me. There were more gunshots as we both run through the door and Chase slams it shut. I set Olivia gently on the floor.

“Olivia, Olivia!” I call, desperate to see her green eyes open, to know that she’s still alive. She stays still for the next few minutes, but just as I’ve lost nearly all hope, her eyes flutter open.

“Marcus?” she asks. Her voice was quiet and strained. “What happened?” I can’t help but give a weak smile. She looks around at everyone. “You’re all okay,” she says. “I was afraid that—”

“I’m sorry Olivia,” I say, picking her up again. “We’ll explain everything later, but we really have to get out of here.” As if on cue, another bomb goes off, exploding the wall to our left into a pile of rubble and shooting us with bits of debris.

The nine of us hurry up another flight of stairs, no one in particular in the lead.

“Out here!” Rae shouts, motioning toward the door that leads to the fields. She holds open the door for everyone. We’re all running for our lives, breathing heavy, trying to stay positive while hearing gunshots, explosions, and crackling flame in the distance.

Not a moment too soon we reach the forest and see a massive group of people including officials, nurses, cooks, and other residents, trying to stay hidden between the trees. We all sit on the grass and catch our breath. The officials were trying to see that everyone was accounted for, while the nurses were floating around tending to those who were hurt. I let Olivia rest her head on my lap.

“Are you okay Olivia?” I ask gently. “What happened?”

“My skin’s burned and I’m kinda dizzy and my head hurts, but I don’t think anything’s broken,” she answers weakly. “I was in the fields with Caleb and Lyra and we were walking back when the first bombs went off and a fire was burning at the east end of the building. I knew you, Skye, Dillon, and everyone else were working there so I just wanted to go in and make sure you were okay…”

“Oh Olivia,” I sigh. “I just want you to be safe. You’re my sister. I wish you wouldn’t put yourself in harm’s way just to try and save me. I can’t lose you.” She supports herself on her arm and moves into a sitting position to face me.

“But you’re my brother,” she counters. “I know you’d give your life up for me. Is it so wrong that I’d do the same?” It’s useless to tell her that to me, yes, it is wrong. She doesn’t know how horrible it’d be if I lost her.

She lies back down. “What happened after that?” she asks.

“A bomb blew up one of the rooms downstairs,” I begin. “An official led us upstairs to the east exit, but it was blocked because of the fire. He led everyone else to a different exit, but I thought I saw someone outside in the fire lying on the ground. I could’ve sworn it was you. So I ran outside to get you, and Skye followed. But they started shooting, and got her in the leg. But we all made it out alive.” She’s silent. Then, Dillon walks over with Skye limping at his side.

“Are you okay Olivia?” Skye asks her. She and Dillon both sit down next to us.

“I suppose…” she replies. “You?”

“I will be,” she answers, looking down at the cloth she pressed against the wound.

“We really have to get out of here,” Dillon says. “They aren’t just harming us. By being here, we put everyone else in danger.” We all nod in agreement.

Skye and Olivia finally get the attention of a nurse and one comes over and helps them the best she can with the limited space and supplies.

“When should we leave?” I ask Dillon. He glances over at Skye and Olivia; at their poor condition.

“As soon as possible.”